A Season of Struggle

I have not blogged because I don’t want to be negative. I don’t want to appear a failure. I don’t want the quality of my faith questioned. But the reality is that I am struggling. I am struggling to find where I fit. I am struggling to see what I am called to. I am struggling to love and be loved by the Father who created me. This, or course, affects all my relationships. I feel as if my entire life has been a struggle. Ok, from when I can remember. My earliest memories are of my parents fighting. And me thinking, after hearing a commercial for a divorce attorney on KYW News Radio which my mother always had on, that would NEVER happen to my family. But it did. I remember knowing it was true even when they were “hiding” it from us saying that Daddy was working late, etc. Maybe that is why I hate being treated as if I am stupid to this day. Hmmmmm

I have struggled with inadequacy for as long as I can remember. I have never felt that I measured up. My aunt, who was one year older than me and as close as a sister, was prettier and artistic. I couldn’t draw stick figures. My brother was high maintenance to say the least. I was always under improvement by my family – for my dry hair there were multiple treatments, weight to be lost (this was before I was actually over weight), I was too loud, ran too much, read too much, a nerd, etc. I struggle to remember the positive things said about me as a child. This has impacted me in ways I have denied for way too long. I KNOW in my head that I am to replace the lies with the truths that God has laid out for me in His Word and the truth of who I am in Him. But how do I translate this to my heart? How do I live this out? How do I achieve victory so I no longer have to live in this state of defeat?

There has to be more to this life than this. This feeling of despair. This feeling of rejection. This feeling of being completely alone. I want more. I want victory. I want freedom. I am sure I must choose this but what if I can’t? Does that make me less of a Christian? Does that mean I don’t believe enough?
The irony is that I know that I will get through this. That I will be a stronger person with an amazing testimony because God said so. It is the walk through this valley that is feeling momentarily as if there is no light in this darkness. But there is. It may be small, almost as if it is a figment of my imagination, but it is assuredly there. Giving hope when I don’t feel it. Strength when it feels as if there is no way I can move my feet let alone take a step. I know He will carry me, I just want to feel it too. I know He loves me, I simply want to feel it. I want the dark, lonely season I am in to fade and the light to shine again.