Sick

Sick. It’s a word we all use and most likely overuse. Last week I learned what sick really meant. I had a 105 degree fever for at least two days and then was admitted to the hospital with a kidney infection that had begun to manifest in my blood stream. I was so sick that I didn’t care what they did to me. I can say with absolute honesty that I have never been that ill or that apathetic in my entire life. That is sick. My cold or sniffles is not sick. They are a mere annoyance. A speed bump in life. The road to recovery for me has been frustrating and regaining energy has been slow.
Sick is just one of many words we have neutered with overuse. Love comes to mind. We should love God and things holy. We should love our family. We should not love pizza or a TV show. Another is killing. We say that our head, or wherever our current pain is located, is killing us. Well, most likely it isn’t.
I need to be more particular in my word choices. I desire to be accurate in my descriptions and to love only that which I truly do. I need to use God, or any form of His name, in a reverent manner. I need to recognize the power of my words – the power of life and death. I need to be aware of what I speak and the spiritual consequences of my words. This is my newest goal. To be exacting in my word choice, to think before speaking and to make every word a prayer and blessing.

A Season of Struggle

I have not blogged because I don’t want to be negative. I don’t want to appear a failure. I don’t want the quality of my faith questioned. But the reality is that I am struggling. I am struggling to find where I fit. I am struggling to see what I am called to. I am struggling to love and be loved by the Father who created me. This, or course, affects all my relationships. I feel as if my entire life has been a struggle. Ok, from when I can remember. My earliest memories are of my parents fighting. And me thinking, after hearing a commercial for a divorce attorney on KYW News Radio which my mother always had on, that would NEVER happen to my family. But it did. I remember knowing it was true even when they were “hiding” it from us saying that Daddy was working late, etc. Maybe that is why I hate being treated as if I am stupid to this day. Hmmmmm

I have struggled with inadequacy for as long as I can remember. I have never felt that I measured up. My aunt, who was one year older than me and as close as a sister, was prettier and artistic. I couldn’t draw stick figures. My brother was high maintenance to say the least. I was always under improvement by my family – for my dry hair there were multiple treatments, weight to be lost (this was before I was actually over weight), I was too loud, ran too much, read too much, a nerd, etc. I struggle to remember the positive things said about me as a child. This has impacted me in ways I have denied for way too long. I KNOW in my head that I am to replace the lies with the truths that God has laid out for me in His Word and the truth of who I am in Him. But how do I translate this to my heart? How do I live this out? How do I achieve victory so I no longer have to live in this state of defeat?

There has to be more to this life than this. This feeling of despair. This feeling of rejection. This feeling of being completely alone. I want more. I want victory. I want freedom. I am sure I must choose this but what if I can’t? Does that make me less of a Christian? Does that mean I don’t believe enough?
The irony is that I know that I will get through this. That I will be a stronger person with an amazing testimony because God said so. It is the walk through this valley that is feeling momentarily as if there is no light in this darkness. But there is. It may be small, almost as if it is a figment of my imagination, but it is assuredly there. Giving hope when I don’t feel it. Strength when it feels as if there is no way I can move my feet let alone take a step. I know He will carry me, I just want to feel it too. I know He loves me, I simply want to feel it. I want the dark, lonely season I am in to fade and the light to shine again.

Personal Responsibility

Why are so many of us averse to taking responsibility for our lives? Why do we allow ourselves to live as victims rather than victors? We have victory in Jesus because He said so! He died so that we may live. Not as slaves to our worldly circumstances but rather as dead to us and alive in Him! We need to own our mistakes, recognize our failures, see ourselves as we really are, and then do what needs to be done to be realigned with the Word of God. For me, this has been quite the journey. I have had to see myself for what I was - I avoided the truth, sometimes in order to protect myself, but nonetheless this avoidance caused me to tell lies and that is a sin. People were hurt and I did that. So, I had to face it and fix it no matter how painful. Now I must face my fat. I am obese and this is not okay. This does not honor my God, my husband, my children. My life is limited and people limit me because of it. I have gifts that are unrecognized because they are veiled. I am seen, especially by Christians it seems, as unworthy and lazy. No longer! I will no longer live as a victim. I am not a slave to my fat, my appetite, my thyroid, my exhaustion, my depression, nor anything else that contributes to the reasons I have arrived here. I submitted an application to the Biggest Loser and have not heard from them. But really, I am not sure I wish to be away from my husband and children for up to 6 months. Not do I relish standing on a scale in spandex for the world to see. Nor do I wish to be touted as the heaviest contestant ever. Yet I desire to be healthy. I desire to lose this burden which holds me down though God desires me to soar. I am not the unworthy, unlovable person I was brought up to think I am. I am loved by God and He will help me overcome but I MUST DO THE WORK. I must resist temptation, fill up on His Word so I am armed and ready for battle and I must get moving. It is not a complicated equation really. But the thing is I must act. I am responsible and faith does not trump personal responsibility. If anything it should make us feel a greater sense of responsibility because we will stand before Him one day and answer for our choices. We are the servants of a just God who loves us so much He placed His son on the cross as a sacrifice so that we may live with Him forever. In the face of that, how can I not take responsibility, accept forgiveness and get on with correcting the problem? I can’t. Now is the time. This is the day.

Easter Sunday

It is Easter Sunday. The day we celebrate the culmination of the Christmas Story, for He had to be born in order to die. I so enjoyed the speaker at Lifechurch today, a former mobster who is a powerful example of the redemptive power of God’s love in a life fully surrendered. And then I think, “Am I fully surrendered?” With all that I have done wrong and all the mistakes I have made, God still loves me. He never turns His back on me. Yet I continue to hold back, even just a little and sometimes a lot. Why do I not let Him have it all? He wants it. He wants me to surrender and follow Him. He wants me to step back and allow Him to step up. I am so stubborn and pig headed. When will I stop trying to second guess God and do His job? When will I simply let go? I have lost it all, in a worldly sense. I have had no home for my family. I have been unable to pay bills, yet He provided. He has proven Himself to me over and over. It is time – time to sit down and shut up. Time to let Him lead me. Time to go where He wants me to go instead of where I want to go. Here I am Lord. Here I am.

Realizations

I just opened my blog today and realized I have no followers. And this was extremely hurtful. Granted, I don’t post things very often but there are friends I follow that I thought might follow me, even if it was simply out of loyalty. I am surprised at the depth of the pain. At the realization of the loss of my closest friends, the people I thought would always be there. The people who encouraged me to write and to express myself, to use my so called giftings. Where have all my true friends gone? Where are the people who call just to say hi, not because they need something? Where are the people who care that they haven’t seen me in a while? They have moved on to other relationships, other people. I have been replaced and while this is natural and should not bother me, it does. Abandonment issues abound!

I try to avoid the jealousy and bitterness this brings to my life. I battle them in a spiritual level, using the promises God has made me. Promises that He will never leave, that He loves me and that He chose me. That He has a plan and purpose for me, not matter what other men may think. I battle the thoughts of inferiority that have plagued me since childhood – thoughts that I am not worthy, that I am not good enough to be loved. I understand on an intellectual level that I should not let anyone impact my life in such a profound way but the loss of these relationships has shaken my confidence and I have allowed them to change the way I see myself.

I know that in time the pain will lesson, I will be stronger and the wounds will become scars. But scars are permanent and while the goal is to let the scars strengthen us and improve our character, now the wounds are raw and painful. Healing comes through love, the love of the Father for me, His chosen daughter. His creation, one He believes in and never abandons. I am a child of the Living God and I will set my sights on Him. “I will set my face to seek the Lord.” I will allow Him to heal me as I trust Him and I will emerge stronger and more prepared for the path He has laid before me, whatever that may be and wherever it may take me.