Christmas Season

The holiday season is such a mixed bag for me. I love the decorations and excitement that surround us in December. I enjoy the anticipation of Christmas morning when all our rushing and bargain hunting pays off in the pleasure we witness on the faces of those we have blessed. Yet this time of year is such a struggle for me. I lost my mom December 15 and Christmas, which was always so full of Mom as this was her absolute favorite time of year, has never been that same. I still enjoy seeing my children open their presents. I love the anticipation I see in them as we decorate and they plan for Santa. I enjoy the ideal of Christmas - the scenes we see on TV that never quite seem to come to fruition in real life. But I dread it too. I know that I will feel my loss more deeply and also will feel the stress of not having enough money to purchase what I long to for those in my life.

Poverty and Christmas are not a great mix. They are, even for those of us rich in Spirit, a volatile combination that can cause eruptions of anger and tears. I already feel the frustration as I was unable to take advantage of the bargains that were to be had today because we had absolutely no money in our bank account. I have begun to fear that my children will be deeply disappointed this Christmas morning when there is little, if anything, for them under the tree. I wonder how to prepare them without taking away the "magic" that is Christmas; something life will take away soon enough as they grow up. I want them to have the memories I do - ones of joy and anticipation and wonder.

My Savior is the ultimate gift I can pass onto my children. This I know for sure. Knowing Him and living as He showed us to are the greatest gifts I can give them. Living in a way that allows them to see the Hand of God and the love of Christ and the sacrifice He made for us is the only way that I know of to draw them to Him so that someday they too will choose to follow Him, even if that means a life of poverty, danger or even death. This Christmas season I long to find my worth in Him and that He chose me to complete a task. That He believes I can and will do it. That He never, ever gives up on me and will never fail me no matter how many times I fail Him. That may be the best gift I can ever give my children.

Friendship

What is friendship? This is something I have been pondering over the last week. Here are some thoughts I found online regarding what makes a friend and defines friendship.

• "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." -Walter Winchell


• "A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else." - Len Wein


• "A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud."- Ralph Waldo Emerson


• "No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow." - Alice Walker


• "Depth of friendship does not depend on length of acquaintance." - Rabindranath Tagore


• A man of many companions may come to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. - Proverbs 18:24

\Pronunciation: \ˈfrend\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free
Date: before 12th century
1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4 : a favored companion5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war —called also Quaker
— friend·less \ˈfren(d)-ləs\ adjective
— friend·less·ness noun
— be friends with : to have a friendship or friendly relationship with

All this is to say I have lost all perspective on friendship. And that is most likely because I have lost sight of the one friendship that really matters. Jesus, lover of my soul, how can I even think I know better than You? How can I try to walk this journey alone? I turn my back for reasons I can't even put words to. What matters more than You? People will fail me, I will fail me. Only You are always true and always faithful. I yearn to have intimacy again but I know that, like any relationship, this will take time, not because of You but because of me. It will not happen over night. I need to seek You out, I need to be faithful because You are not the one who walked away. I chose to put this distance between us. You love me no matter what I do or say. You love me always. You alone are always there and You always take me back.

I no longer need to be lonely. I no longer need to worry about the rejection of men and so called friends. Because I have my best friend, the one who will never leave. The one who always cares more for me than Himself. The One who died for me. My Jesus, my Savior, my Friend.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today marks the 60th anniversary of my mother's birth. Is that the correct way to word that? My mom's passing in 2003 was a defining moment in my life. The hole created by her absence is still there and I know that it always will be. My mom was the one person who truly believed in me no matter what. The only one who truly saw my potential and gifts until God blessed me with a husband that sees the same things. But no one replaces a mom.

The last few months, some of the hardest in many ways, I have missed my mom more than ever. I want to curl up in my mommy's arms and just have her stroke my hair as she always did and tell me that everything will be alright. That she will be there no matter what. That she will never let me fall too far. When the day is extra frustrating, I want to hear her laugh and say, "I survived and so will you."

My mom was a fiercely strong woman. She, after splitting from my dad, worked full time, went to school, raised us and worked her way from accounting clerk to comptroller of the East Coast and Puerto Rico for her company. She was respected at work, school and church. She was a band parents, booster club member, and PTA member. She was always there for us. She laid her career aside for a few years to work a job that allowed her to spend more time with my little brother when she felt he needed it. She was the quintessential oldest sister - she was protector and provider for her sisters, she was loyal to her parents and it seems that she was the glue that held us in the nucleus of the family as that has changed since her passing. She was not perfect. She was known to take to her bed for an entire day when she got a headache. She was a screamer. She was a neat freak. She didn't always voice her positive feelings towards all of us. And she was a NAG!!!

My mom was the best mom I could ask for. I know that I am blessed to have had her for 34 years. I know that God can and does comfort me when I feel alone and angry that she is gone. I wish my children had their grandmother to learn from and play with. The last words on our wedding video are my mom asking for grandchildren and I get so upset that she had so little time to enjoy them and there are some she has never met here on earth. I thank God every day that Tonnie was born when she was. My mom got to spend 4 years watching her grow and was able to spend quality time with Tonnie before her ability to speak and move was taken from her by ALS. Her other grandchildren were not blessed in this way. Tonnie misses her Gram and cries for her periodically. But this is good because mom's memory lives on in her heart and in all of her children. Tonnie can tell her brother and cousins about her time with Gram and they can know her through the eyes of a child.

Happy Birthday Mommy! I miss you everyday.

New Blog

OK, so somehow my blog got hijacked by Dale's Google account. I had to make a new one but have no clue how to delete the old one so it will no longer be active. Or course it was not all that active to begin with. I have been writing on paper and find that so therapeutic but I want to blog. But I stress and worry that no one will want to read my thoughts and this will be one more arena for rejection. But then I become a grown up again and realize that this is for me. This is not for anyone else. I hope it brings enjoyment, provokes thought, allows for intelligent debate, and invites friends. However, ultimately, this is about me rediscovering my passion. Welcome, again!