Realizations

I just opened my blog today and realized I have no followers. And this was extremely hurtful. Granted, I don’t post things very often but there are friends I follow that I thought might follow me, even if it was simply out of loyalty. I am surprised at the depth of the pain. At the realization of the loss of my closest friends, the people I thought would always be there. The people who encouraged me to write and to express myself, to use my so called giftings. Where have all my true friends gone? Where are the people who call just to say hi, not because they need something? Where are the people who care that they haven’t seen me in a while? They have moved on to other relationships, other people. I have been replaced and while this is natural and should not bother me, it does. Abandonment issues abound!

I try to avoid the jealousy and bitterness this brings to my life. I battle them in a spiritual level, using the promises God has made me. Promises that He will never leave, that He loves me and that He chose me. That He has a plan and purpose for me, not matter what other men may think. I battle the thoughts of inferiority that have plagued me since childhood – thoughts that I am not worthy, that I am not good enough to be loved. I understand on an intellectual level that I should not let anyone impact my life in such a profound way but the loss of these relationships has shaken my confidence and I have allowed them to change the way I see myself.

I know that in time the pain will lesson, I will be stronger and the wounds will become scars. But scars are permanent and while the goal is to let the scars strengthen us and improve our character, now the wounds are raw and painful. Healing comes through love, the love of the Father for me, His chosen daughter. His creation, one He believes in and never abandons. I am a child of the Living God and I will set my sights on Him. “I will set my face to seek the Lord.” I will allow Him to heal me as I trust Him and I will emerge stronger and more prepared for the path He has laid before me, whatever that may be and wherever it may take me.